Sunday, 11 November 2012

My terrible, unstoppable cycle of anger...

The sun rose, and the new day was full of promise and a lack of storms from the night before... Birds sang optimistically. Children happily watched cartoons on the couch. My husband made French Toast with cinnamon, sugar and jam, and even brought some to me in bed.

All was right with the world.

I got up, and as I greeted my loving family, I casually glanced out the back door to survey the damage of the storm... A couple of puddles, and a few clothes that the wind had no doubt blown onto the ground.

Wait. A few clothes on the ground?
The dog treats clothes on the ground as a gift from the very heavens!

It was like slow-motion horror. "Noooooooooooooooo!" came the guttural cry as I began my well-known and experienced roller coaster ride of intense emotions that look a little something like this:

1) Sudden anxiety seeing a piece of clothing lying on the ground outside, but, still having a little bit of hope that Deefa hadn't got to it yet and there's still time for a mad rescue mission.

2) Unbelievable anger because it was too late- the item had been ripped, torn, partially eaten, and pieces of it scattered over the yard...

          Which automatically rolls into:

3) Physical rage because of what the dog had done (and because I had again failed to rescue another beloved item of clothing). This phase includes stomping around the house, slamming doors, yelling, cursing, and occasionally using the 'F' word (Oh my, I am not perfect after all).

4) Tightening the day's schedule so that I feel in control again, starting with turning the TV off, and making completely irrational rules that honestly don't last beyond my little 'episode'. E.G. "He is never ever coming inside ever again" or "He's going to starve from now on because I'm not feeding him"!

5) Heartbreak after calming down and realising (again) what's been damaged/eaten. With this comes intense sadness, and through tears, grief, and gritted teeth, I tidy and clean (perhaps in an attempt to regain control over something)...

6) Guilt from the things I had screamed and cursed in my anger; and the way I had behaved for the few minutes prior to this new phase (including yelling at my husband, telling him that it's all his fault because he wanted the f*%*^#g dog)

7) Buy something on eBay to make me feel better about myself/the situation, which also allows me time to work out whether I can face the neighbours again after what they'd just heard/witnessed......

The problem with this last phase is that I usually have absolutely no idea what I want to buy!! Which totally sucked, because I really wanted to be excited about something after what had just happened and after the crazy emotional roller-coaster that I had just stepped off (in only a few minutes!)

And, lastly...

8) Eat chocolate.

Which (annoyingly, but not surprisingly) does absolutely nothing to benefit my internal wish of having a smaller waistline... Leading to this cycle being repeated from Phase #4 - making completely irrational new rules that I can never keep, and usually forget.

Oh well... Diet can start when we take the dog back and ask for a refund.

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